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CALCULATING LIFE part 1-How does it add up?

My life seems like a thousand moments strung together at random. I’m sure I am not alone in that, yet sometimes I feel SO alone. We have those sparkling moments we hang our identity on. The time you were the hero, the saint, the creator, the risk taker, and the final word—those are often our triumphant moments. We string those with the darker times when we were over looked, under valued, beaten to the punch, when good intentions go bad, and when taking the risk ends in uncharitable failure. Like beads on a necklace we hope to sparkle and be colorful along the way.

Randomness. It’s such a fad word right now. Random? We make so many choices changing our path and circumstance that it is hard to tell what’s random from what is inevitable. And Fate? Fate is a belief….I think. Maybe it is a religion or a scape goat. Anyway you think of it, I am not a believer and I don’t like excuses so… I don’t put much thought into fate. Destiny on the other hand is printed boldly on the cover of my biography ( I mean if I had one).

As a kid you start dreaming of your future. Wonder how fate may intervene. Who hasn’t asked, “What is my destiny?!?” You bring a calculus level of factoring into the equation. You tally your strengths and talents against your disadvantaged economic status, remember to multiply by your drive and determination, divide by the fraction of contacts you have, apply your dreams and doubt and sum up your chances. Use an abacus, hope for lots of sparkly beads on your side of the equation. Most of us end up knowing in our core we are going to have— and do— something…..something…..well , something really amazing. Somewhere in your 20’s you realize you don’t have the drive you calculated and you forgot to account for the people in your life you would be tied to.


If you are lucky life will have brought you someone to help you build your future. This is were Destiny shows up like a showgirl in a sequin gown, and you gotta pray she is more Broadway, less Vegas. Like a Tony award winning show, our love story has been running for 24 years. Scott will tell you we were written in the stars. I don’t know about that but I know he was written in my heart long before I met him. My husband is a foundation all by himself. It was so easy for me to build my life on him. In truth, he is impulsive, decisive, and has immeasurable drive, which brings a lot of excitement and randomness to our lives.

I am more chaotic than random but it has brought surprise and personality to our story. Our love story is a little like a Mardi Gras party…lots of sparkly beads…and some nudity…but mostly a lot of fun, excitement, and excess. We have always had excess. Life has brought us so much in the way of love, opportunity, adventure, and even loss.

The thing is to take it all in stride. Random, predestined moments of love, glory, discovery, and evolution. Dark fate…that thing I don’t believe in. The thing that we blame when dark shadows fill our heart and black holes pull at our soul. It’s a black bead in our rainbow of fortune.


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figure it out or die trying

figure it out or die trying

Oppositional Defiance Disorder- ODD

I have posted a few times about Little-Man or obscurely about ODD. Sometimes I kind of feel bad about it because I know I am airing our ‘dirty laundry’. I’m at the point however, where I need friends, family, and even strangers to know our truth. We have challenges, pretty much daily. I post without shame about our teen age girls because they are doing normal teenage things. Well, Little-Man is doing normal ODD things.

I need as much support from my community for his issues as I need for Ju’s choice to hardly ever come home for dinner or hang out with the family which makes us feel suddenly incomplete, or Panda’s hard headed obstinate way of just being 16, or even Ty’s Hollywood approved level of high school drama. My kids are growing up going through something of their own that is not in fact unique, it is just our first time through it. I have decided Little-Man is not any different and I shouldn’t be ashamed of his ‘condition’ or the battles we have. They are normal for him. They are normal for a kid with ODD. He didn’t choose this. We didn’t cause it. We have no more control over it than we have control of PMS and puberty.

Sometimes I need the support of friends and family to take me down a notch, to remind me that I am a freakin bad-ass Saint of a mom who can handle this. So I can be reminded that I have had 10+ years of mental health training with these kids. So I can breathe deep, take a look in the bottom of my bag of tricks, and pull out some piece of magic.

I also figured I may not be alone in trying to show my son’s best side and privately dealing with the foo. SO—if you recognize these acronyms lean on me when it gets tough because I know exactly how hard it can be. ADHD, PSTD, ODD, RAD, CD, and of course the more common and widespread PMS!

I found another blog read really enjoyable. If you have questions or need support visit the link below.

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD): Jackson’s Story of Hope


CALCULATING LIFE part 1-How does it add up?

My life seems like a thousand moments strung together at random. I’m sure I am not alone...
article post

figure it out or die trying

Oppositional Defiance Disorder- ODD I have posted a few times about Little-Man or...
article post