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CALCULATING LIFE part 2 True Color

line CALCULATING LIFE part 2 True Color

In the beginning

Random, predestined moments of love, glory, discovery, and evolution. Dark fate. That thing I don’t believe in. The thing that we blame when dark shadows fill our heart and black holes pull at our soul. A black bead in our rainbow of fortune.

Cascades of color after a few dark clouds befell us all through our romance… and boy, what a romance. We have a cute story I will share another time….maybe for a valentine day or my as my anniversary comes around. Stay tuned, it’s worth a read. Today I am writing about the heavy stuff.

We had a dark first year. Three months after we were married I had a bad pap smear. Tests revealed precancerous cells on my cervix and had to have a minor procedure in which a major part of my cervix was removed. Little did I know I was 5 days pregnant. It was a tough pregnancy, fraught with random bleeding, horrific morning sickness which lead to malnourishment, dehydration to the tune of IV fluids on several occasions, and 2 stays in the hospital for preterm labor.

It was dark and lonely. My new groom was not mature enough to handle the constant worry, Let’s face it….I complained a LOT. Eventually I was put on bed rest. My doctor was clear– if we wanted this baby, I would to go to bed and wake ALONE (wink, wink). Not the best start of the honeymoon phase of our marriage. It was dark and lonely but in the end we had a beautiful baby girl born full term.

A year and half  later

Our first Black bead was when I was 23. At six months pregnant we lost our baby girl. The grief 19 years later is still a confused voice of denial in the back of my head. It was the inevitable treason of my body. No matter how my heart bled or my soul screamed in denial, my body kept to it’s rhythm, simply, steadily, and with determination medicine could not stop. She was born too early. It was a black pearl, rare with beauty in it’s depth and darkness. People called it a miscarriage.  Google searches will tell you that’s the word for loss of a pregnancy between 1 and 20 weeks. What do you call it at 26 weeks, 4 days? I’m not sure but I promise it is more than a pregnancy.

Moving through the baby years

When I became pregnant 8 months later I was panicked. I had so much grief I couldn’t yet breathe. Miranda was destined. My third pregnancy, my third daughter. Fear was so overwhelming that I was gifted a great faith. That is another story… and a very precious bead in my life’s necklace. By the time my fourth daughter was conceived two years later I had my faith and an incredible doctor. It was my most powerful and colorful time of life. While I was done being pregnant I wasn’t quite done being a new mom.

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